We Are Our Worst Critics: The Discrepancy Between Self-Perception and External Perception in Life and Business

Have you ever stumbled upon an old photograph of yourself and wondered why you ever thought you looked less than fantastic at that moment? Or have you re-read an email you sent ages ago and been impressed by your own eloquence, despite having fretted over every word at the time? You’re not alone. There’s an adage that we are our own worst critics, and it’s steeped in more than just anecdotal evidence.

This article will explore the reasons behind the discrepancy between our self-perceptions and how others perceive us, particularly in personal and professional contexts. This is backed by extensive psychological research from various reputable sources.

The Psychology of Self-Criticism

A 2014 study from the University of Michigan titled “Seeing Ourselves Through Others’ Eyes” demonstrated that people often view themselves more negatively than how others perceive them (Freyd et al., 2014). This can be traced back to a psychological phenomenon known as the “spotlight effect,” where we overestimate the extent to which others are observing and evaluating our actions (Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky, 2000).

We tend to be harshly critical of our actions, behavior, appearance, and performance. We have access to our internal monologue — a perspective others don’t share. “We’re so close to our own behavior, and so aware of our own thoughts, that it’s hard to be objective,” says Thomas Gilovich, a psychologist from Cornell University.

Self-Criticism in Personal Life

While self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and emotional intelligence, being overly critical of ourselves can lead to increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. This has been highlighted in several studies, including a 2016 report from the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, which shows that excessive self-criticism can significantly contribute to the development of mental health disorders (Riley et al., 2016).

What’s interesting to note is that this heightened self-criticism often doesn’t align with the perceptions of our friends, family, or peers. They may view us as kind, competent, and attractive, even when we are unable to see these qualities in ourselves. I refer to this as, “The Gap.”

Self-Criticism in Business

In the professional realm, self-criticism can have both positive and negative effects. On the one hand, it can fuel ambition, drive improvement, and spark innovation. After all, being able to critically assess one’s performance and identify areas for improvement is a key component of professional development.

However, as a 2018 study from the Harvard Business Review indicates, an excessively self-critical attitude can also hinder performance and productivity (Reiter-Palmon, Kennel & Kaufman, 2018). When we’re overly critical of ourselves, we risk damaging our confidence, stifling creativity, and causing undue stress, ultimately leading to decreased productivity.

Once again, our self-perception often doesn’t align with the perceptions of our colleagues or supervisors. While we might be obsessing over a minor mistake, others likely haven’t even noticed or forgotten about it.

Moving Forward: Cultivating Self-Compassion

Recognizing the discrepancy between our self-perception and the perception of others is the first step towards achieving a healthier, more balanced self-view. Numerous studies, including a 2011 report from the Journal of Personality, suggest that cultivating self-compassion is a valuable strategy for combating excessive self-criticism (Neff & Vonk, 2011). But self-compassion is a foreign subject to many of us. In my book Godfidence, I outline a less-than-five-minute daily routine that not only builds self-compassion, but it helps keep our mental state healthy.

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and maintaining a balanced approach to negative emotions. It’s about allowing ourselves to be human — to make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. This attitude promotes resilience, and positivity, and ultimately leads to better personal and professional outcomes. As busy professionals, we walk a fine line between holding ourselves to a high standard and being too hard on ourselves when we don’t reach our desired outcome. Navigating this line may be the single most important thing to master as a professional desiring to be rich. Especially if we are young and just getting started in our career or if we are changing careers to start something new.

While being our own worst critic is a common phenomenon, it’s not an insurmountable hurdle. With awareness, self-compassion, and a little bit of perspective, we can cultivate a more accurate, healthier perception of ourselves that aligns more closely with how we are seen by others. And who knows? You might just find that you’re a lot more impressive than you’ve been giving yourself credit for.